Fashion trends I want to burn with fire

A few weeks ago I tweeted about the tribulations of shopping for a professional wardrobe and it really struck a chord in my little Twitterverse.

I don’t know about you all, but I think women’s fashion is having some sort of collective crisis right now. I am actually having a hard time spending money on clothes and shoes and that is not a typical affliction for me. These are a few fads that need to swiftly die:

bell sleeve

Bell sleeves: These silhouettes are cool… in a tableau. The prospect of wearing bell sleeves when I need to, um, do anything or go anywhere or say anything is terrifying and, frankly, hazardous. When I look at a bell sleeve, all I see are many spilled drinks and my untimely death when I inevitably snag one in a subway door. Someone in my wingspan radius is going to lose an eye the minute I start gesticulating, which is every time I open my mouth. Are these designers just sitting there like, “How can we make women’s lives more fraught? Ooh… let’s cloak their arms in huge cones of fabric!” I can barely tolerate normal sleeves. My wrists and forearms need air and space for angry typing and wild hand gestures.

Cutouts: Is there a textile shortage or something? Why does every women’s garment look like a paper-snowflake activity gone wrong?

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Don’t get me wrong, those cold-shoulder shirts are cute… but, like, one of them. I don’t want random swatches of fabric cut out of every item in my closet. The cutout contagion has spread from shoulders to stomachs, sides, chests, pants, shoes, and bags. Did everyone just get over-excited about their new laser-cut manufacturing equipment? This fad was irritating but tolerable in July. It is now February and you are still trying to die-cut all my clothes. Staaahp it.

V603913_CROP1Bralettes: Just what you want with your support garment: a diminutive suffix. This is some infantalizing nonsense. Bralettes win the form over function award on this list. They are pretty, though… pretty useless. Basically, these are training bras with more lace and less utility. I find it kind of creepy that we’re sexifying a garment that is designed for pre-pubescent girls. The entire sexy-baby fetish can go. I am so ready for the bralette burning party.

Mules: I repeat: do we have a textile shortage? Why can I only buy half of a shoe these days? Why do they still cost as much as a whole shoe? Look, I love a good slip on… in the spring and summer months. Mules are having a moment in the dead of winter for why? Apparently, the footwear options this winter are over-the-knee boots or mules. You can have 710% of a shoe or 40% of a shoe. As a point of practicality, mules are not the best running-for-trains-and-planes shoes. I also have elfin feet, so my shoes fall off if they’re not literally strapped around my ankle.

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Upon further reflection… perhaps I should wear more mules and see if I can contrive some sort of millennial Cinderella story and then write a screenplay called Lost Soles.

dresses-charcoal-soul-with-ruffles-dress-1_1024x1024

Ruffles: I don’t really have a pragmatic argument for this one, I just hate ruffles on my clothes. I find it very hard to take myself seriously if I’m covered in ruffles. They always seem to be draped over parts of my body that I would rather be as svelte as possible. They never lay right. If they get wrinkled, they’re impossible to iron. They add bulk.Ruffles are my personal nightmare.

Is it too much to ask for unadorned garments in fabrics that travel well and give me free range of motion? Is it??

 

What are the latest fads you want to throw on the fashion pyre?

 

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