Over the years, I have suffered through a lot of dating apps and I have gone on more boring/horrifying dates than I care to tally. Here are some words and phrases that trigger a quick swipe left for me:
“Partner in crime” – What’s the most rebellious thing you’ve done lately – drive very fast through a yellow light? Borrow your brother’s HBOgo password? These are the most milquetoast people on the planet. LEFT.
“Laid-back”, “easy-going”, “care-free”, or “chill” – These are all code words for boring. People who are actually chill in a real way do not feel the need to announce it. LEFT.
“Someday…” – C’est la vie, man. What are you waiting for? This guy will irritate the crap out of me talking about big dreams for things he could absolutely do today. LEFT.
“Settle down” – This phrase makes my skin crawl. This is code for “I’m ready to give up on my dreams and move to the suburbs.” LEFT.
“Nice guy” – This guy is almost certainly going to call you a bitch or worse the first time you take more than 3 minutes to respond. Weird martyr complexes abound. LEFT.
Quotes from Anchorman or Wedding Crashers – Dude, I am the worst at movies but it’s been over 10 years! Find some new pop-culture references. LEFT.
“I’ll make you laugh” – Definitely not funny. And you’ll have to fake more than laughter. LEFT.
“[Industry] Expert” – He’s whatever the bottom rung of this profession is. LEFT.
“Someone to spoil” – This is going to get weird fast. Whatever is the opposite of Daddy issues, he has them. LEFT.
“Fluent in sarcasm” – About as creative and interesting as our partner-in-crime seekers. LEFT.
No profile – You could put in the bare minimum of effort here. You are not that good looking. LEFT.
“I have a car, a job, and don’t live with my Mother.” – Fine, I take back what I said about bare minimums. LEFT.
“Love to cuddle” – Maybe it’s just me, but it creeps me out to list this as a hobby. I already need some space from you. LEFT.
“Hate cats” – Darwin doesn’t care for you either. LEFT.
“Are you the one?” – Lower your expectations. LEFT.
“420 friendly” – Are you really over 18? LEFT.
“I’m not good at writing these things.” – Results matter. Maybe ask a friend? LEFT.
I hope all of these men find the Live.Laugh.Love women of their dreams.